Another day in Houston spent indoors taking care of mom. Did I mind? Not at all. I said from the beginning this trip wouldn't be a trip for diversions, it would be one to find a cure for mom, so the fact that I've had to stick around the past few days in the room with mom hasn't been a burden. She hears me type once again at 2:07 a.m. and again the noise awakens her. She briefly opens her eyes, winks at me with her right eye and crinkles her nose and back asleep she goes...this time even too tired to tell me to go to bed. I see her do that gesture and I can't help but smile and stare at her. Ironically at the same time the feeling of wanting to cry appears.
It was a long day in the sense that I felt tired, helpless, concerned and just a little overwhelmed. I finally cried today for a change. The people that know me know how sentimental I get, even with mushy commercials or greeting cards, but since arriving here in Houston I hadn't cried. I've been upset, even angry during these days but I hadn't cried and finally today I had a brief moment in the afternoon where I let it out and felt a weight lifted from me. It's funny how at times a friends voice on the other end of the phone can give you a sense of comfort, and today I had just that. It triggered that sense of relief I needed to feel, the feeling of 'everything's going to be alright' and deep down inside I know it will be.
I think what was hard about today was seeing mom have some irritable and moody spurts through the day—effects of the steroids she's taking in combination with the chemo. When they prescribed the steroids the nurse forewarned her that there'd be a possiblility she'd be getting grouchy. With my moms sense of humor she jokingly replied "I don't need steroids to be grouchy." But lately it's been slightly difficult to deal with. She gets a little irritated, upset, bothered with little things and then raises her voice. Even though it's something you know is being caused by the meds and it's very subtle, at the moment you feel a sense of frustration, as if you're doing what you can but it ain't enough. Then I pause for a second and once again I stare at my tired mother and my frustration is gone.
She had trouble breathing today as well. Getting me worried of course. She claimed she felt a little congestion, but a few hours ago she woke up saying she felt anxiety. Of course I asked if she wanted meds, if she felt okay and the reply "no" leaving me feeling helpless, observing her breathing pattern over the blanket making sure she's okay not even wanting to fall asleep (besides the fact that this night owl isn't near sleepy yet). So again I sit here in these morning hours writing my thoughts and keeping an eye on mom in between.
As if there wasn't enough on my mind, today I began classes. It's barely my second semester of grad school. The courses are to be taken online which makes it a little more challenging, having to organize your time, ensuring you're disciplined. And although I know I'll feel overwhelmed at times, I know my driving force will be my mother. For quite some time I had wanted to start on my masters, procrastinated for quite some time, until I finally decided to do it. Encouragement was a factor as well, but primarily part of me wanted to move on it for my mom—the driving force that I know will push me to do well and finish fast so that she may see me graduate and be proud of what she has come to accomplish as a single mother and the job-well-done she has made in raising her daughters and teaching them that education important in life.
I think about so many things that I wish and hope she wil see me accomplish that again I can't help but get a knot in my throat...I'll continue tomorrow.
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