Day 23: February 9, 2009, Monday

Houston, Texas: 4:47 a.m., Holiday Inn Hotel Medical Center

I feel selfish asking this question or even wondering why, yet I ask it, "Why can't everything go back to the way things were?" Once again I sit here worried about my moms health and keeping a night watch over her. She was discharged just 3 days ago but again she's under the weather. She still has congestion from the pneumonia and she lays here with excessive fluid retention throughout her entire body. Just Saturday we took her to the ER because of how bad it was and today she's back at the hotel and I'm here praying that it goes away so that we may fly back home.

Since coming on this trip I haven't had an urgency to get back. Grant it, I've been worried about work, missing my family, sister, nephews, niece and everyone back home, but I know my main priority for and during this trip has been my mom. But today, I wanted to get back "now." The reason for that, I'm scared.

I don't think I've admitted to being scared about my moms health in the past, nor do I think I have been scared at all. For the most part, I've always been at peace with knowing there's a higher power with plans for all of us and that my mother and her health are in his hands, but today I saw her and for the first time I can admit I was and am scared.

The retention of fluid in her body has gathered in her legs, abdomen and the white of her eyes. I speak to her and she seems to be in a daze. Her response is limited. As she sleeps I hear her mumble and while awake she says things in an incoherent way and I can't help but be scared. My mom isn't there. She's physically tired, drained and affected by so many medications. Meanwhile I pray and hope that's what it is. Earlier she cried. Cried for not being home and wanting to be home. Frustrated at not being able to eat. Wanting to, but the nausea preventing her from eating and in the meantime that sense of helplessness overwhelms me.

Just 10 minutes ago she awakened and asked me to move her from the position she's sleeping in. Even that a burden for her. I can only imagine what she, a woman who lived her life not having to rely on anyone feels like at this moment. Not being able to even position herself to sleep on her own. As I moved her I once again felt worried. When we came on this trip my mothers weight was around 105. When she was released, her weight was 135 due to all the fluid in her body. Her body still feels heavy. I try to move her and in trying to I just pray for god to give me strength, both physically and mentally. In carrying her from her wheelchair to the bed earlier I couldn't believe how hard it was to do so. As I looked at her a few minutes ago while i moved her and asked her how she felt, I cried without letting her see me. It's hard to see a loved one in this condition and for me it's a first. I wish I could just close my eyes, wake up and see her well again but it's not the case. In the meantime, I'll wish and pray to go home soon and that the flight is a safe and sound one for mom. She wants to go back home, misses everyone and I'm sure she too is scared...

And once again I pray for strength.